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What would you add? By the wonderful Grace Farris.
P.S. Notes to self and how to write a condolence note.
How to Support a Sick Friend
May We Suggest…
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Hello, your article is really good for me. I liked your writing, thank you very much for this information. Regards.
I’m in a flare right now of my chronic health issues and have been thinking about how lonely it can be. What I would love right now: a back rub, for a friend to just show up and spend a few hours with me, dropped-off food, a text or call to brighten my day, a bird feeder outside my window so I can have something to watch all day, someone to cry with. Any of those things would be so helpful right now. Never underestimate the power of simply showing up and being there with someone in their suffering, even if you can’t make it go away. It means everything to not feel alone.
I have a disability, so when we’re hosting all of the physical work falls to my husband. This weekend we invited family round for a BBQ. My dad asked if he could come early to help set up and he just got to work with no fuss. That helped me so much not to have the guilt of seeing my husband do everything alone.
My poor friend’s baby got dropped my her mother last weekend and fractured his skull, thankfully he is ok! It was such a busy weekend and I just couldn’t find a way to make a meal or get to the other side of the city where she lives to offer support, so I just ordered Door Dash Italian for the night they came home from the hospital. They probably would have been eating takeaway anyway, so I guess it was one less thing for them to think about and it took 10 minutes of my time rather than 3 hours to make and deliver something. Sometimes life is too frustratingly busy to offer the support you want to, but if people know their friends have their back, that’s the main thing.
I always recommend Emily McDowell’s empathy cards. There are a wide variety, and they walk that great line between being touching and funny, without being too cliche’d. A few examples: “There is no good card for this. I’m so sorry.” and “One more chemo down! Let’s celebrate with whatever doesn’t taste disgusting” and “I promise never to refer to your illness as a journey, unless someone takes you on a cruise.” I don’t work for them or anything, I just love their cards and other stuff.
I’m chronically ill and find that because the novelty was never there (I’ve been sick my whole life!), I rarely get these questions/offers which makes me insulate when I am sick and creates a vicious cycle. I wish more people would reach out- even outside of a flair up. All that to say, yes, reach out to your pals with acute illnesses but don’t forget about your chronically ill pals. Just because they’ve been sick forever doesn’t mean it’s easy to carry.
I loved everything that was left by the door, food, care packages, gifts for the kids.
Last year because of my treatment during covid we had to quarantine. Following a really hard day, a friend I vented to left a “movie night basket” with popcorn, chips, candy, and an Amazon gift card to rent a movie. It was perfect.
I went through cancer treatment a few years ago at 24 and it was a doozy….I lost some friendships and some of my relationships will never be the same.
There are a lot of things I could say not to do…random gifts (I didn’t need 12 adult coloring books or romance novels or inspirational quote artwork), hurtful platitudes (no, everything does not happen for a reason) or the comments about how good I looked bald. Not helpful.
A couple of things were helpful though. My mom’s best friend made me a batch of cookies to freeze and then open for each chemo cycle. Inside the package she also put a page of jokes and a funny memory we share. Another friend sent me a card every two weeks with a little drawing and a word of encouragement. Another friend would drop by with takeout from my favorite restaurant about once a month and stay and chat. More than anything it was gestures of love and quality time that stuck out. So much of being sick felt like life was marching by me while I was stuck in an awful time warp of doctors and worry and medical bills and sickness. The loved ones who stepped out of their lives to make me feel like I wasn’t so alone in my personal time warp, even for just a moment, really carried me through.
Keep trying. I have been sick for 2.5 years and relationships that I thought were incredibly strong have floated away. I have always been the person in my friendships that tried more, and when I was no longer able to be the pursuer who texted once a week(“When can we get together?” “How are you?!), I stopped speaking to a best friend and a sibling. The sad part is they barely noticed.
Even more difficult is when the friend reached after months of not speaking, she simply said she missed me. While obviously this was not spoken will ill intent, texts like this make me (and maybe other chronically ill people?) feel guilty as though the absence is all my fault. Furthermore, it adds to the layers of guilt I carry with me each day (along with my pain) for all the ways my illness has inconvenienced others and made life harder for everyone in my life. So, I guess I mean to say that while everyone’s life is busy, chronically ill people sometimes need to simply be the person who deserves to get a moment of extra attention.
(Even writing this makes me feel as though I am still putting too much pressure on others though, so I will take this back to my therapist next month )
definitely relate to this. very well expressed.
Like for traffic, so for friendships; the busses need to go in both directions. You’re not wrong in your observations and it’s not only your responsibility to maintain these relationships.
I wish you a great recovery and many many years of fun in your future
Woah, I relate to this so much. Especially that 2nd paragraph. I find that when I’m my sickest and can’t reach out first or respond, people will speak as though I’m just dropping the friendship ball. And it triggers a cycle of guilt (I find that I perpetually feel like a bad friend/ daughter/spouse/etc). Then I get upset because I’d like to just be centered when sick, for once in my adult life, without feeling like *I* should be doing anything other than trying to feel better.
My friend is thankfully not sick, but going through a pretty rough and VERY busy time. I want to make some meals for her and her family, but… her family includes a toddler (to be honest I don’t know how picky he is, but I have never cooked for any toddlers, picky or not!) and one person with morning sickness so not a great appetite.
Any suggestions would be gratefully received!!
Meatball subs and potato chips. Preferably with giant blueberry muffins for breakfast the next day.
I think a picky toddler and someone dealing with morning sickness might actually have similar tastes. Keep it simple, on the blander side, and lots of carbs. Some ideas are: homemade mac and cheese, cold pasta salad with grilled chicken, rice and bean quesadillas with guacamole. Some good side dishes would be homemade bread, a fresh salad, pre-cut fruit, or muffins. Hope this helps!
Cook for them anyway! It’ll be a relief for the parents to only have to worry about the toddler’s dinner (likely something ridiculous anyway like peanut butter and applesauce mixed together). Maybe ask the person with morning sickness if they have any food triggers to avoid, but otherwise they’ll get hungry and want to eat something simple and nourishing at some point. Think soup and fancy bread. Definitely been there! 😂
Pasta! Kids usually love pasta – even if you make bolognese or marinara sauce and send over a box of noodles to be cooked later along with some frozen garlic bread :-) As a mom of three very busy kids, the littlest being four, anytime someone blesses us with a meal is a win! Also, take out is amazing! Last year when my husband had covid, a friend dropped Chipotle on the doorstep and it was the best.
Oh wow, thank you all so much for the ideas! (I’m hungry now..!)
You’ve all been so helpful – I’m glad I will be able to lighten her load a little :)
Not sure if you’re friend has any eating restrictions–but most toddlers I know love mac and cheese (there are vegan and gluten free options available, annie’s makes a tasty one) and grilled cheese cut into fun shapes, and veggie straws and some kids really like pizza. As for someone with morning sickness–what people can tolerate really varies. I liked bread, sometimes toast, big udon noodles and lots of coconut water. You’re a good friend!
Dealing with icky morning sickness right now and bread is my favourite thing. Bread and soup would be a good bet, I think- something like muffins would also go down well :)
I have a husband and a young son, and when I was very sick I didn’t have room for anything else. The weight of everyone’s care and concern grew heavy around me. I asked my closest friends not to see me or email me for twelve months. We had all been avid email writers so this was a big thing. One of my friends did her very best but every now and then she’d send me a message with 40 images of things to make me happy – I have no idea how she found them, things like poodles in castles. Then exactly 365 days after I’d made the request there was an email from her, loving me, missing me it was glorious. She gave me the time I needed, even though it was hard for her because she loved me so much. So that’s my tip, people give you hints about what they need, listen to them. Sick people don’t come in the same shape or size. Connect in that wonderful way that only the two of you do – if you really are their friend then you know what to do, and remember, you are probably one of the biggest reasons they are trying to get better. Help them see that as far as you are concerned, they are still your friend, & they still matter.
This is a tricky one, but if you can be considerate and accommodating WITHOUT making a big show of it, that is the greatest thing! When someone is helpful, e.g. includes food that fits with dietary restrictions, or chooses a cafe that’s close to your home, etc., but then they want everyone to know how thoughtful they were and that they made/did this SPECIAL thing ESPECIALLY for you because of your illness, it can be very uncomfortable. If you can play it cool, your chronically ill friend will be doubly or triply grateful, believe me!!
Also, I find it hard when people react as though elements of my everyday ordinary experience are some kind of huge tragedy. I had a friend who I stopped seeing because she made such a big deal about how awful my illness was – I’m sure she felt that she was being really understanding and sympathetic, but I was never telling her things in a tone of drama and tragedy, and it was weird that she reacted like that. It’s not that I wanted her to pretend everything was totally fine and happy and fun, but I was working really hard to accept the reality I found myself in, and her reaction was so unhelpful with that. Definitely aknowledge that things are hard/annoying/sad etc, but take your cue from the person experiencing it to judge how to react. A simple, “That sounds really tough,” is often so much better than getting dramatically upset!
Ooof, yes this. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness a few months ago and there are certain friends I’ve avoided telling about it because in the past when I’ve gone through something hard, they tend to respond with something along the lines of “OMG, that’s awful. I don’t know what I would do if that happened to me!” The lack of self awareness is…impressive.
I’ve offered to take the medical bills and make a spreadsheet of what is owed. It can be hard sometimes to figure out what is a duplicate bill, etc. when you are the caregiver or person who is ill. It’s not the be all and end all, but it’s the first cut to organize the data for the person paying the bills.
A friend had grocery bags filled from his husband’s last months.
Oh my gosh that is BEAUTIFUL. My mom is dealing with lots of medical paperwork right now and she would likely be so happy for help like this. Thank you for the idea.
Reading this from a country where medical care is free at the point of use, it absolutely breaks my heart to think of anyone having to deal with this stuff (both the financial concerns and the arduous admin) on top of a serious illness. It must make a very hard situation so much harder. It really seems inhumane!
When I had a new diabetes diagnosis, my friends brought over a few goodies to brighten my spirits. They brought over a blanket, candle, and they had also made a batch of turkey chili and froze a few portions in flattened freezer bags to store tidily in my freezer. It was all very generous, but I was so touched by the freezer meal; they had clearly googled a diabetes “friendly” recipe and froze it so I could it eat at my convenience in the future. A huge part of chronic illnesses, and diabetes in particular, is managing stress and the thought that went behind their gift really touched me.
Our friend lost her ability to speak and text due to a brain tumour but she cld still read so we started a “mail tree” where a group of us committed to send one thing per week in the mail (funny cards, postcards, trashy magazines etc).
What a special group of friends
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