
Still on chapter 2 of the Goldfinch.
P.S. Embarrassing routines and what to do with kids’ art.
(By the wonderful Grace Farris.)

Still on chapter 2 of the Goldfinch.
P.S. Embarrassing routines and what to do with kids’ art.
(By the wonderful Grace Farris.)
Omg this is so true. Although my girls has grown-up now but I still remember that time. Specially bath time. My little one used to knock at the door and ask” how long are you going to take mummy”?
I love this, it’s so apt!
The Goldfinch is worth it! I avoid devastating books (since I’ve had kids…just, no tolerance for spending my precious free time like that) — and, despite the plot description, I didn’t think this one really was. Really solid, dive-into book!
I am not a parent yet, but reading blogs like yours help me appreciate my mother even more. While the post may be on the funny side, I think that in many instances the sacrifices of mothers are overlooked. Looking at my personal experience, I know my mother sacrificed even her career to care for my brother and I. So, shoutout to all mothers out there. YOU are amazing!
Just giving up TV altogether on weeknights gives us such a relaxing evening. It’s amazing how it quietens the nerves and takes the pressure off the backlog of responsibilities. We play relaxing music instead. There is magically enough time to get everything done. Then a chapter read in bed to get into sleep mode and I’m out like a lamb.
Cartoons/commentary like this only serves to fuel the idea that life without kids is a picnic. Guess what? People without kids get older and busier with professional and personal lives, and it’s not all a breeze either. Having kids changes things, certainly, but those of us without kids also struggle with time, life, “balance”, etc… and it’s not all breezy and effortless.
I totally hear what you are saying. Before I had children, I could not understand parents that complained they were tired all the time. I was tired too. Guess what? Nothing prepares you to the whirlwind that your life becomes once you have children, and being tired takes on an entirely different meaning. No offense to you or people without kids, but you cannot truly relate to it until you’ve experienced it.
That being said, I don’t think parents assume that lives of people without kids are always easy and peaceful, far from it. But we can remember the time we had before that has suddenly evaporated because a tiny human being requires all your attention. We know the difference. Things that seemed important (and sometimes were) are relegated in the background, not because we want to, but because we have to. That is, if you want to properly take care of your children, and don’t have a nanny, a maid and a cook.
These cartoons are incredibly realistic, but I agree they might focus too much on the hectic side of life with kids, and not the joy and love they bring into your life. Which make it all worthwhile. The first time I heard my children say ‘I love you’, it magically erased all the stress and exhaustion of the sleepless months. That is truly unique.
I’ll second Miss Agnes – you don’t know until you know. I could write a book about all the things I took for granted before pregnancy. And I truly never would have understood without going through it myself. This cartoon is very surface level for me – all true, but it doesn’t get anywhere near the real stuff for me.
I was always very resentful when people where I worked thought it was fine to dump their extra work on me/ because I didn’t have kids. They were so much busier than me. And I get it- if you have a sick kid, that comes first. But please don’t assume that child-free people are living leisurely lives. My sister doesn’t have kids. She takes care of everything for our elderly parents; one is in a nursing home with dementia and the other insists she can live by herself in an apt. My sister deals with doctors’ appts, paying all bills, taking her grocery shopping and works 45-60 hours a week.
K, I’ve been feeling this lately too. I totally appreciate Miss Agnes’ response to your comment, but my childless husband and I moved, bought a house, both changed jobs and introduced grad school into the mix this year, and I just feel so. damn. tired. I completely recognize that life with kids is another universe that I can’t fathom, but I don’t think I’ve had that ‘before kids’ column feeling since I was in my early twenties! Life is hard! I guess as time goes on it’s natural that we fill our time with more commitments, kids or not.
K, I agree 100% with what you’ve said and I would ask all the parents out there who talk about how life changes to consider the fact that life changes for ALL of us. There is an assumption by parents that they *know* what childfree people’s lives are like simply because they were once childfree. But you don’t know how OUR lives have changed as we have gotten older because you haven’t lived through this next development
al phase (e.g., caretaking, volunteering — often for organizations that support YOUR kids — job promotions, etc.). Let’s stop these comparisons. You don’t know what our lives are like and we don’t know what your lives are like. We all make choices and there is no better choice.
Janet, thank you for putting that so beautifully. K, I’m with you.
Cartoons like this conflate “a kid free life” with “what life was like before I had kids,” ie when you were younger. You also don’t know until you know what life asks of you as you get older, regardless of whether or not you have kids. For example, as my peers had children, and therefore could do less (at work, in organizations, in my family), I have seen my workload in all of those spaces increase to take up the slack.
I think the thing I bristle at the most is the value judgment implied in things like this, which we childfree women get all the time, that we’re faffing about doing silly things and not using our time in the correct and moral way, ie in the service of reproduction.
(All that said, cartoons like this do help confirm my life choices…)
I totally understand that people without kids can be just as busy as those with kids! I think this cartoon is not comparing people without kids and with kids but instead comparing the life of people who have kids now and their life before kids specifically in regards to the amount of time it takes to do these certain tasks. And not meant to offend and compare (or think those without kids are taking part in silly things! Not at all!) in those ways. :) No judgment either way please.
Not only it takes 3 nights to watch a 60 minutes show, but my husband and I also have to put the subtitles on because we keep the volume so low we can’t hear anything. The only idea of waking up the kids because we were watching tv is terrifying. They wake up anyway…but at least it is not our fault. Desperation.
I’ve started using subtitles recently and it’s such a game changer! No worries about bad language or sex scenes or violent gun scenes…
Toilet plus child on scooter ARE YOU SPYING ON ME because that is me. Every. Day.
I mean absolutely no offense to the author, but starting and then deciding NOT to finish The Goldfinch was such a liberating experience for me. I thought to myself, “I’m not really enjoying this and now that I have kids, every free minute is worth so much more to me. I’m done with this book!”
Caitlin,
I hear you. I read the whole book even though I was not enjoying it. At the end of it I thought “I should have put that down”.
Came here to say I LOVED The Goldfinch… but I am not a parent and read it on a rainy holiday- I don’t know if it’s the kind of book you can enjoy if reading sporadically or with a lot of mind-chatter!
Caitlin, agreed! I wish I had the hours back that I completely wasted on that damn book.
This makes me so sad. I’m trying to find my groove as a parent, four month veteran, and I feel so lost. I miss myself and this makes me suspect I will never feel like me again..
oh mina i hear you! those first months are so, so hard and disorienting and relentless. i felt like i had been swallowed up. but i promise you will feel like yourself again. with toby, on his first birthday, i remember feeling like myself again. sending you a big hug. xoxo
I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling Mina. I missed myself too when my son was a newborn/infant… it’s a hard hard time physically and mentally. I look back and think, wow I was so unlike myself then. I can’t believe it. But things get better. For me it started getting exponentially better when he was 9 months (and gradually better before that too). I know it’s hard to believe and seems so far away when you’re in it (well, it was that way for me at least:)) but you’ll get there, I promise. Rhythms in life change but the joys get bigger and bigger, and it’s so worth it. One thing that helped me was seeing people with older kids and thinking, “see, one day they sleep all night, eat on their own, can put on their own clothes, etc.” You’ll feel like yourself one day. Much love.
You’ll find a different version of yourself. You’ll hit a groove, and then you’ll hit a bump, and you’ll be ok with that. Kids really teach you to roll with anything and everything. That 4 month mark is hard, but you’ve got this.
Mina, I know it probably sounds silly and trite and just unbelievable, but you will block and that four month old will be off to kindergarten, high school, college. I can’t even begin to explain the weird time Warp that is mothering. The days seem unending with a small baby, but the years will whiz by at light speed, whether you want them to or not. And you’ll look back and think, wait, no, not quite yet….. And it will be all over, and the house will be so quiet and you’ll look at yourself in the mirror and think, oh, hey you, where have you been?
I know it doesn’t help right now. But if you could know how much you’ll miss these days, I promise they would seem easier.
My husband and I like to say parenting is all about learning how to do things you once did quickly, slowly and learning how to do things you once did slowly, quickly. :)
I started the Goldfinch a few years ago after I’d gotten it from the library. Never got past the first chapter, so I just brought it back haha.
But! There’s a movie out now so I can find out what it’s all about after all!
The trailer sure looked promising!
Haha! Yes! 1 to 3 are completely true for me and the only reason 4 doesn’t apply is because I don’t drink coffee
hi! very random, off-the-wall question here, but: I’d love a post on what it looks like when it comes to moderating comments. Is someone on staff going through every single comment and approving/disapproving? It would be lots of work!
I’d even enjoy a post about the technical sides of things: scheduling posts, brainstorming sessions, and stuff like that. I know you often take reader suggestions, so this is mine :)
thank you so much for your note! we’d love to do a post like this! yes, we moderate every comment that comes in — we share the job during the workdays, and i often moderate again a couple times during the evening/early morning/weekends. we approve almost all comments (and welcome respectful debate), but just leave out ones that are overly harsh, inaccurate, etc.
for something like david’s house tour, for example, i knew his apartment was great because we’ve been friends for years (i remember i actually went over there for drinks on my 30th birthday 10 years ago!), and i reached out in january to see if he’d be up for a tour. he was into it (yay!). our regular interiors photographer was out on maternity leave, so i hired the wonderful stephen kent johnson, whom my friends erin and linsey had highly recommended, and arranged the shoot date/time and gave stephen overall art direction. sadly i was out of town during the shoot, so david and stephen did the shoot on their own and had a wonderful time, according to both of them! a week later, stephen sent the photos, which were really beautiful, and i thanked and paid him. the next step was to set up a phone interview with david. before interviewing him, i read a few other interviews he’s done over the years to get an even deeper sense of his story/aesthetic/background (this is especially helpful when you don’t know the person). we talked for about an hour and a half, and then i condensed/edited down the interview into short, tight blurbs. then i edited down the photos (stephen had sent more than what appear here — it was hard to cut down!) and arranged them into the post with the blurbs, moving around the blurbs to fit the photos and flow of the story. i also emailed david some follow-up questions, like the question about which TV shows/movies he likes. we then resized the photos to fit our site specs so they’re not blurry and renamed them for SEO purposes. at that point, we usually scout and add house tour credits (for furniture, decor items, paint colors, etc.) but since david mostly shops vintage, we didn’t have many to do for his tour. then i had another editor read over the post with fresh eyes, and we addressed any bumps/questions. finally, we formatted the post, coded it up and pushed it live! :) then we promoted it on social, sent the link to david and stephen and a few other friends, and began moderating and answering comments.
it looks easy (and should look easy) but it’s actually a careful, multi-step process to produce any of our posts. i remember once reading a comment from someone who thought homeowners just emailed in photos and blurbs themselves — which would be awesome, haha — but it’s actually much more carefully produced on our end. hope that helps answer some of your questions! thank you for asking! xoxooxxo
Joanna — what a thoughtful response! Sp fun to read about the processes behind the scenes. Thanks for taking the time to answer with so much information; it was basically a post in and of itself :)
I would love to know that as well! For example- I’m commenting way after this was posted…does anyone read it?
How far in advance do you plan stories? How do you decide what to post?
Joanna- great response! So interesting…I just live behind-the-scenes information. How blogs and magazines decide topics must be fun and stressful.
For us it’s wait until the kids go to sleep, start movie, fall asleep fifteen minutes in to movie.
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