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I’d love a little baggie of extra sleep, too. By the wonderful Grace Farris.
P.S. Five gifts for new moms and 15 things I’d tell a new mother.
The Best Gifts
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I have three kids (ages 10, 7, and 8 months). By far the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me was bring me a ready-to-eat meal for our family. After the last baby was born, a friend brought a meal AND took our dog for a walk around the neighborhood for 30 minutes. It was wonderful. Also, when you offer to help, be specific: suggest a few dates and offer ways you can help rather than saying “let me know if I can help.”
I have a two week old and a two year old and I would love someone to fold my laundry and do my dishes. I want to sit and hold my baby but doing those things are helpful!
Grubhub gift cards. (Mother of a 3-month old.)
I read somewhere (here?) that the best gifts for new parents are toilet paper and hand soap – something every guest uses and they may run out of. Now I always bring a few of each!
When my first child was born and probably about a month old, my aunt and uncle showed up with a big brown paper grocery bag full of butterbeans from their garden that had to be shelled! They never had children and had no idea of what life was like with a new baby. Had I been a member of their church, they would have showed up with a casserole, homemade rolls, and dessert. They thought their way to believe was the only way, and since my husband and I went to a different church, we didn’t count. Eventually, the butterbeans were shelled.
Also, for family/close friends, offer to take the baby for a stroller/carrier walk so baby can nap and they can get a real break. Don’t go far – just endless circles around the nearby blocks – but most babies will sleep with motion and that way you can give them a half hour to shower/breathe/eat something that requires both hands.
My sister just had her first baby last night, and we’re visiting her in 2 weeks (she lives an 8-hour trip away – don’t worry, we’re not staying with her haha!). I’m bringing homemade frozen meals: 2 kinds of burritos to pop in the microwave as needed, a batch of hearty muffins, and chicken fried rice fixings so she can throw everything in a hot pan and have a fresh dinner with almost no work. Plus some dry shampoo and tinted lip balm to help her feel good even when she can’t grab that much-needed shower and some local coffee to keep them going.
I agree with those who say bring fresh, *prepped* fruit! I craved it for a good week or two after my deliveries. Doesn’t have to be fancy – just cut up that melon, or wash those grapes and cut the stems into small clusters – whatever is juicy, fresh, and easy to grab!
My first baby is due Monday! Ahhhhhh! (I mean, we’ll see if it’s punctual or fashionably late.) I’m grateful to have a friend who’s setting up a meal train for us. (And my mom, who’ll be showing up in the first few days :))
One thing I’ve been mildly stressing about is how to navigate the health/safety concerns with low vaccination rates in my area (I live in Portland, OR—across the river from the recent huge measles outbreak). How do I gently tell friends/acquaintances to respect my wishes that if they or their children aren’t vaccinated, that I’d like to delay their meeting my child? I know I shouldn’t care, but it feels … awkward? Esp. since you never know someone’s stance on things …
You just tell them! If you respect their right not to vaccinate (and you are way more empathetic here than I am) then they can respect to not have their unvaccinated child next to your newborn. What is the possible risk and alternative of not telling them? Doesn’t bear thinking about. Herd immunity. It’s there for a reason. Good luck with your impending birth!
So exciting! Good luck :-) My baby is three months old and it’s been the best three months ever. Way more joyful and fun than I expected.
About the vaccination thing: try not to worry about awkwardness or telling gently. Just be straightforward and confident. “With the measles outbreak in the area I have to confirm that you and your kids are up to date on your vaccinations before any visits.” Then see what they reply. You’re asking people to respect a bare minimum of common sense, extensive scientific evidence, and collective responsibility. Your little one can’t be vaccinated right away and depends on others to hold up their end of the deal. If you feel yourself wavering google photos of babies with measles or any other illness that vaccines save us from. Ugh or maybe don’t… it’s pretty upsetting.
Sending lots of love for a smooth delivery and wonderful time getting to know your newbie. (I have a PhD in Public Health so this vaccination issue is something I’m quite passionate about.)
Awkward?! Wait until you are holding that baby in your arms in a few days, mama bear – and THEN ask yourself if you still think it would be awkward.
Congratulations!
Text the people you’re close with to let them know you’re taking extra precautions and put a note up on the door that says “We have a new baby! If you’re not immunized, respectfully please save your visit for another time. LOVE YOU!” Ask your friends and family to be your advocates also – having a baby is a sensitive time and sometimes its hard to vocalize even things you feel strongly about; Husband/mum/dad/friends can pass the word around: “Oh you’re going to visit Eva and her new baby? Make sure you have up-to-date vaccinations…and wash your hands!”
Eva, I think I may know you through a mutual friend Patricia. If so, hi! and either way congratulations. This is a slightly different situation because it was dealing with adults and not children, but when my sister gave birth for the first time a few years ago she told us that we needed to have the flu vaccine and be current for Tdap (whooping cough) before we visited. It wasn’t a question or a comment, and I happily made an appointment to get my vaccines so that I could get in some snuggles. People have the right to their beliefs, but not to access to your new little one. Sending you good thoughts for a safe and loving delivery and a healthy baby!
Thank you all SO MUCH for the advice and well-wishing! Appreciate the suggestions for how to say/write it too.
G—you’re totally right I’ll prob go full mama bear anyway and not be so shy about it ?
Rebecca—yep it’s me! Hope you’re well!!
So grateful for this community :)
Also, regardless of vaccination status, request that visitors are completely well, wash their hands as soon as they walk in and just in general don’t pass your baby around needlessly. Even though I love babies, an a doula and Mom, I’m super happy to just bring food to the door, text that it’s there and disappear. Or come in, clean, good laundry, tell Mom she looks wonderful and that her baby is beautiful and that she’s doing great! And not hold the baby. Sometimes mom really just wants to hold her baby herself.
(Side note, don’t assume that being vaccinated means you won’t catch xyz, I had pertussis for three months and an adult, fully vaccinated and no one caught it, despite my relentless cough. Very often *outbreaks* include the fully vaccinated as well as unvaccinated, because vaccines aren’t perfect but they’re all we’ve got).
If you know her well enough to know what she’d like, some fancy / favorite shower products a favorite thing of mine to give. As many comments have said, a nice hot shower is a treat when you haven’t slept and you’re healing and bleeding and leaking and crying all day (surely im not the only one) – some extra special soap and a shampoo really makes the best of that 10-minute break!
I just had my first baby and one of the best gifts I received was homemade smoothies in mason jars. So handy to have something delicious to drink with one hand, especially during the night feeds when I am ravenous!
Great idea! My sister made me little juice and fruit vegetarian (agar) jellos, which we’re perfect but a smoothie wouldn’t even need a spoon!
I really recommend reading The Fourth Trimester by Kimberly Ann Johnson. It will help you plan your postpartum if you’re expecting and it’ll help you be a significantly better support if you’re a family member or friend.
Warm food with high nutrients and good fats (no dairy!) are actually best postpartum because they’re easiest to digest vs raw veggies that ask your digestive system to work harder. A lot of people get dinner sent but I felt lunch was harder. I wasn’t going to really cook for myself and I didn’t have energy for it. Now I make two big hearty soups and some homemade rolls for new moms. I send the soup portioned in little containers and the rolls wrapped individually so she can pop everything in the freezer. Whenever she needs a meal she can reheat a soup and some fresh bread, easy as anything!
The best thing my friends gave me was one night of a night nurse once my twins came home from the NICU. OMG it was amazing to get a full 8 hours of sleep.
This is my dream..! Mine is three weeks old.
Kombucha is supposed to be bad for nursing moms because it makes you detox, and toxins can come out in breastmilk. It just came out as some new study. That said, I drank it everyday I nursed and we’re fine.
I’m 4 months along and TERRIFIED for the first weeks at home. Wishing I could send this list to my friends and family without being rude haha. Adorable, love these illustrations.
Don’t be terrified! It’s gonna be ok! I would highly recommend reading The Fourth Trimester by Kimberly Ann Johnson for a highly reassuring, practical, and meaningful guide on the first weeks as a mom. You’re gonna do great!
You got this, momma! As Mr. Rogers said, ‘look for the helpers’. Find your closest family member/friend and use them to share this list! People want to help and my sister was a blessing by telling people what to do/not to do/when to visit/not visit so that it wasn’t me being pushy – it was her being protective. You got this!
I feel you! I’m just through the first two weeks home. What’s worked well for us is having a freezer full of home made food ready for heating up, and my mom in the guest room!
I’ve been tackling these first weeks of raw emotion the same way I tackled birth – one contraction at a time, remembering there is a finite number of contractions and each one is one less left until the goal is reached.
Also, having a water bottle I can work with one hand next to me whenever I’m nursing because one gets so thirsty.
You got this!
Don’t worry! One step at a time! All those mama hormones help fill in the gaps (in the best way). I love the newborn days, they’re so so sweet and for better or for worse, time keeps chugging on past so they’ll be over before you realize. A big congratulations and well wishes.
The food I found most helpful was what could be eaten with one hand. Salads and baked fish and soups were lovely (and delicious), but I couldn’t eat them while holding/feeding the baby – which is what I was doing 90% of my waking hours when she was first born. My favorites were: cut up fresh fruits and veggies, breakfast burritos (good for any time of day), muffins, peeled hard-boiled eggs, cookies/brownies (for when the sweet craving hits), casseroles that weren’t too saucy and wouldn’t drip on the baby. Though let’s be honest, she got a fair bit of food dripped on her anyway.
And I second the ‘drop it off and leave’ comments, it’s so hard to entertain when you’re healing and sleep deprived…
Yes! I had friends/acquaintances ‘drop by’ for three hour unplanned visits. I would be kind of happy but surprised when they arrived and never had good snacks or anything to offer but they’d just eat what was around and stay and stay and stay. It’s like “come on, read the room people” lol
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